August 15, 2009

I've had this interesting.... no, peculiar..... feeling the last couple weeks.
And it's been challenging trying to pinpoint what it actually is and where it has come from.
It's uncomfortable. Suffocating. Annoying. Relentless.
It can become muted for short periods of time (work provides tremendous relief in this sense, because it shows me so many happy and wonderful things), but then it comes back.
Anxiety's a bitch.

So I am sort of a human juke box. My cd library, in combination to my downloaded music library, is extensive. EXTENSIVE.
Most times I go on the computer, I use my laptop. This morning I opted for the desk top. As usual, I immediately opened my media player to listen to some music (there is not a single thing I do that does not involve music) and re-discovered all the play lists I haven't listened to on here for so long.

I came upon this song, which I have such strong, vivid imagery associated with. I was very obsessed with it in second year of Mac. I listened to it on repeat any chance I could get. Sometimes a song just strikes me SO much, I become quite overwhelmed with it and unable to put it down. And as a result it becomes associated with a lot of things that I have done. That's what this song did to me. But it is so strange and interesting to me in how music affects one's brain to such an extent that they feel they are actually back in the very moment they first listened to the piece. When I hear this song, I can feel the crisp fall air, I can see myself sitting on that bench outside Burke Science at Mac, wearing my rose toque with the flower and my pink scarf, I can see my Social Psychology notes.

And then it hit me. That's what this feeling is. A longing turn back time. To where I felt safer. To where I could predict things better.

And I know that change is good. I'm just terrible at dealing with it. I am a person of routine and habit. I like the things that I like and that's that. I like to do the things that I do, and that is that. And I understand that we cannot maintain our habits and routines forever and ever because we will never grow and develop as human beings. I sometimes wish we could though.

Now I've been listening to the song all morning.

The song has certainly enlightened me to some of what this feeling I've been experiencing is all about, but I know there's a whole lot more to it than that. More corners to turn leading to more doors to open to see what's inside that is grating at me.

If I could have just one wish, it would be to not have GAD.