A blog without a title

I'm sitting in my backyard right now, enjoying some summery heat and a beautiful breeze.  I have a big backyard with lots of grass, and it's neat to watch the breeze make it's way from one end to the other, like a traveling wave across a grassy ocean.   Suddenly I can notice individual blades fluttering on the ground, but just a moment ago they were one unified blanket of green.  Birds are chirping their evening songs, and barbeques send delicious scents through neighboring backyards into mine.  This is a perfect conclusion to an extremely busy week.

This scene never changes from year to year.  I have sat in this exact same spot many times in my life, watching the grass, listening to the birds, and smelling the barbeques, and it remains a comforting constant.  It's almost like time has stood still.... this replica of the year before has come back to please me and remind me that no matter what happens in a year, some things are always the same.

I have been home from South Africa for a little more than two weeks now.  While I was away it felt like I was there for much longer than I was, but once I returned home it was like I didn't even go.  Everything here was exactly how I left it, yet still.... some things were different.  Integrating back into my regular life has proven to be more challenging than I thought it would be.  I mean, it hasn't been difficult or impossible by any means, but just not as easy as I imagined.  I have happily shared my stories with those who have asked to hear them, and it has been wonderful to relive my African experiences with them.  And still there's people I value very much in my life who haven't made even the smallest peep to me since my return.  I don't like how some people think they know what's "good" for you, because really, you know yourself better than anyone else.  You will never get into the heads and thinking of anyone but yourself, and I find the concept of doing so an utter waste of precious time.  So, although I miss people and wish we could share fun times together again, I can only say that I am not going to sit idle and wait for it.  Because, in three words: Life Goes On.  It keeps moving forward, and it doesn't wait for anyone to be ready.  And if people are to be in one anothers lives, in whatever capacity.... eventually they will be.

What am I doing for the summer?  I can't answer this.

But I'm working at Glenwood until the end of the year.  A surprise LTO I never thought I'd get so close to the end of school.  Things here are different too, but exactly the same.  How is that possible?  It just is.  I am in love with my 4 behaviour students... each one is so brilliant in a different way than anyone else I have met in my life.   They are all non-verbal autistic, they are all developmentally delayed, they are all deficient in communication, they are all VERY strong and could clock me with the flick of their fingers.  But I love them for teaching me, which is more than I deserve.


And now I'm sitting here, outside, in the half dark of the evening.  The birds are quieting, the breeze is cooling, my tea is steeping in my cup.  I love this kind of an evening.  It's quiet and lovely.  I love my life, for all the ups and downs and twists and turns.  As much as some things change or disappoint me, I know everything is going to be fine.  It might be different, but it will be fine.

Be the kind of person you would like to meet

"Who are you?", said the caterpillar.  "I-I hardly know, Sir, just at present- At least I knew who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I have changed several times since then."
- Lewis Caroll, Alice in Wonderland

It's funny how you can never really notice change until you get so far into it that you can't help but stop and take stalk.  Every day you live your life in what feels the same way, yet over a period of time - days, weeks, months - suddenly everything can seem so very different.

I was thinking about this upon my return from South Africa.  Not just my being of pre- and post-trip, but over the last several years in general. 

Admittedly, I have been known as a person who does not like change.  I blame my dependency on predictability.  But really, who doesn't like feeling comfortable, safe, in control?  You know you do.    All throughout my life, I have really only done things that I know I will have success with, or things that didn't scare me - school, particular jobs, staying put.  Hardly exciting.

And I lived this way up until fairly recently.  That is, until I realized that, although I was educating myself and involved in a lot of things here, as a person I was going nowhere.  This year in teachers  college (... sorry... at my "Faculty of Education"... NO ONE calls it that!....) I encountered a quote that has resonated with me ever since I read it for the first time: "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone".  And oh my gawd... suddenly something in me just clicked!

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.  IT DOES!  Life is NOT sitting in the same place, doing the same things, never challenging yourself.  Life is not limiting yourself.  Life is NOT being content with mediocrity.  But, once you can find the courage to step even just one step further, beyond the boundary of your safety spot, and try something new, even though it may be uncomfortable.....  Even if you stumble on this extra step, even if you hate it, even if you vow to never do it again, it was the greatest step you'll have taken.  Because in taking it, you have grown.  You have learned something about yourself or the world.  You have opened your mind and a door.

And although subconsciously, ever since learning of this mantra, I have been different.  I have challenged myself in both big ways and small, to step outside of my comfort zone and into the unknown, the uncomfortable, the "unsafe", the unpredictable, the different.  But it may not have looked like I was to anyone I know, especially if I barely noticed myself.

In South Africa I made deliberate attempts to achieve growth.  I faced fears and anxieties I have had my entire life.  And on the other side of things, looking back at the trip and even as far as this last year....  I have come to recognize remarkable changes within myself.  The Christine you know today is a drastically different person from the Christine you would have known 5 years ago.  I didn't notice my selfvolution as it was happening, but it happened.

I read another quote at some point over this year that goes like this: "Be the kind of person you would like to meet".  I want to be a person who has seen and experienced life and the world.  A person who has passions and who is willing to share them with others.  A person who is fit and healthy.  A person who cares about the world and humanity.  A person who is happy.  I think I am well underway to achieving all of this.

I do not believe people think hard enough about who they really are.   I think most people go along with the status quo in defining themselves, by liking certain clothing trends, tv shows, music... anything.  It's so easy to let someone else think for you.  But if you let that happen, you miss a whole other identity within you that only YOU can know.  Like what you really believe about things in the world: religion, politics, humanity, social phenomena, ANYTHING other than the superficial.  It's not easy.  And it's sad that the average person knows more about the lives of Hollywood celebrities than they do about themselves.

I am proud to say that I know myself more than thoroughly, even as I change and evolve as a person from day to day.  I think it a rare thing in this day, so I feel privileged to have that.  Today as I was enjoying some post-long run coffee at the Second Cup with my running mates, one of them described me as a "strong-willed, determined young lady... not just in running but in life, too".  5 years ago, I would have disagreed completely.  Today, I agree 100%.  I hope that doesn't make me sound full of myself, but looking back at my life I can without a doubt say that I have persevered through and overcome A LOT of shitty times.  I love the person I am today, and I would never change a single thing about anything I have been through or experienced in my life.  If I did change parts of my life, I fear I would not have many of the wonderful things I have now because of my struggles.  Everything you experience in your life leads you down paths, to places and people you were meant to meet.  I believe this.  And the places I have been and people I have met a long my paths have all been significant to me, influencing my identity even further.  And each day brings a new place and a new person... and changes in me because of them, which I may not even recognize until some time down the road.

I'm trying to think of a point to this blog.....

Let change happen to you.  Try new things.  Leave your comfort zone.  Take a risk.

The feeling is incredible.

 

Blog #1 about South Africa

He who learns, teaches

-African Proverb

It is nothing other than luck that we are born where we are born on this earth.  Even though I was born in Canada, I could have been born somewhere else in the world.  So could you.

I have been home from South Africa since Tuesday. I am still processing everything I saw and experienced during my month-long stay in Cape Town.  When I got home and was talking to my father in the car on the way home from the airport, he asked me: "So, after everything, was it worth it?"

I saw SO much, from the richest of the rich to the poorest of the poor... and whatever is more poor than that.  And then I saw the most beautiful landscapes, mountain ranges, wild animals, and breathtaking sunsets.  I got to talk to travelers from around the world, people who haven't been home in over a year and do not intend to go there for a while longer yet.  I heard horrific stories of abuse, rape, and crime, yet met people who would have given me the shirt off their back if it meant I'd sit comfortably for the short time I was talking with them.  I was in a dynamic class of grade 7's who taught me more than I taught them, and inspired me even more profoundly than I expected. I became amazing friends with three girls whom I shared living space with, laughed uncontrollably with, cried with, complained with, and planned with. I challenged fears and anxieties I have had my entire life. I climbed a fucking mountain.

Our second Friday brought us to GAPA.  GAPA stands for Grandmothers Against Poverty and Aids.  On this day, we met 55 Grannies, all of whom are raising their young grandchildren because their parents have passed away from AIDS or HIV.  These women have absolutely nothing, and they have awful stories of rape, illness, displacement, and rejection themselves.  And even though they have nothing, they gave us so much.  Despite their tragic circumstances, these women and the children they are raising gave us the gift of music, dance, LOVE, and an infinite - untoppable- degree of PASSION and SOUL.  We gave them donations of wool, clothing for the children, blankets, and materials to make jewelery, and yet we all still felt indebted to these people.  No material things we can give them will EVER come close to matching the love and acceptance they showed us.  If you are interested in this organization, you can learn more here: http://www.gapa.org.za/ .  It is absolutely worth your time to check it out.

There isn't even a debate about what my favourite day in South Africa was.  The children at the orphanage stole my heart the very second we drove up their small stone driveway and they began waving uncontrollably at us while we were still in the van.  We stepped out, one by one, and the moment our feet hit the ground our hands were picked up by one of the children, leading us to play somewhere on the grounds. The most simple of things... blowing bubbles... was especially wonderful to the group of 2-3yr olds who luckily befriended me.  "Teacha, Teacha!  BUBBLES!".  I would put the wand in the container and the anticipation rose.  Their eyes widened and they literally held their breaths.  I pulled out the wand and began to blow bubbles of all sizes, but lots of them, and so high that the children had to look to the sky to see where they had to go to clap their hands to break them.  Their giggles were brilliant and warming.  How do we ever lose this innocence?  Or the ability to see so much in the smallest things?  We donated several soccer balls to the orphanage as a whole, but to the children we had for each a simple squishy ball, like the kind you can find at any dollar store in Canada.  It was worth $1.25 to us.  To them it was worth a million dollars.  "Teacha.... For ME?!?"  Something so insignificant to any kid I've met in Canada, but so HUGE that the children at this South African orphanage in the poorest of the poor communities we visited.... they got their own ball.  To keep.  It was extremely hard to say goodbye to them that day.

I had the opportunity to visit several informal settlements, where many of my students lived.  Shanty's cover the land, row upon disorganized row, metal boxes that did not have the luxuries of running water, an indoor bathroom, and, sometimes, electricity.   Standing in the small space a family of 6 called home, I could not contain myself.  I shed tears over the guilt I felt for having so much and taking it for granted.  I felt guilty that my closet is ridden with so many articles of clothing that sometimes look almost identical to one another, yet this family had the clothes on their back and perhaps just one more outfit.  I felt guilty for the plethora of food I had in not just my fridge, but my kitchen cupboards, freezer, and fruit cellar, too.  In this home, I saw just a bag of rice and some bread.  I couldn't imagine how this family survived from day to day not knowing what there will be to eat (IF).  And suddenly a wave of humility came over me. How dare I complain that I do not have some of the things I want when there are people who don't even have some of the basic things they NEED.  I was lucky to be born in Canada.  But one has to accept that they should not feel guilty for that.  I didn't ask to be born there, just as this family (and the millions of others) did not ask to be born in this desperately poor community.  But, as a person of privilege, with so many luxuries and abundance of things that make my life comfortable, it is my obligation to recognize my position in the world, and to NOT take it for granted.  Nobody can save an entire population themselves. But individually we can use or point of privilege and recognize how lucky we were to be born here.  I think it is our obligation to do our small part to help those who need it, without carrying the burden of "saving" them.  All we can do is help.  I believe that is part of the reason why we are here.

I taught grade 7 in South Africa.  Specifically, 7B at Heatherdale Primary School (http://heatherdaleprimary.com/index.asp).  I am a primary teacher.  I know that now more than ever after this experience.  Still, I was very successful teaching intermediate, and learned more from them than they did from me.  A class of 31 was new to me... I had only 20 grade 2's and 24 grade 5's prior to my coming to Heatherdale.  And if you know me personally, and you've seen my presence and heard my voice, I have little doubt that you will agree that I am neither scary nor intimidating in stature and volume.  They didn't buy the "Meese Creesteen" that the students in Canada did.  Maybe most because I was white.  I had to prove myself to them in another way.  I eventually learned that that would be.... soccer.  I was asked to plan a phys. ed. lesson during one of my first days in Mr Joemat's class, and on a whim I decided to take one of our many soccer balls to donate and plan a 7B match that would last 2hrs in length.  "Meese Creesteen!  You like soccer?!  You play soccer?!" (Haha, yes, but not "well").  From then on I was in, and loved every bloody second I got with them.  I taught them about human rights and freedoms, gender stereotypes - how to counter them - and sexism, European trading systems, population growth patterns around the world, and fun phys ed. lessons of cooperative games and, of course, soccer.  They taught me how to relate to students of an age I have never taught, how to survive in South Africa, and the language of Afrikaans (only a few words of which I can recall now). They made me laugh every single day.

But on my first day in 7B, I was let into the world they lived there.  Mr. Joemat opened the floor to the class to ask me anything they wanted to know about Canada.  At first, the superficial questions ... about what T.V. shows we have, or how cold it gets, or what sports we plan.  And then.... "Meese... do they have gangsters in Canada?  Do they have rape in Canada?  Do they have AIDS in Canada?  Do they force you to have sex in Canada?"  These questions led me into their lives.... to experience what they or someone they know (in their family or community) has gone through.  My students were 12-years old.  Questions about gangsters, rape, and aids  don't even cross my mind at the age of 29.  My heart began to feel very heavy as I learned more about what begins to happen with children the age of my students....  They begin to involve themselves with gangs because, somehow, they see it as something that could help them bring money or something to their struggling family.  I had heard a statistic during my time in South Africa that 1-2 girls in grade 7 across the country becomes pregnant before their year is over and they head to high school (which starts in grade 8).  12-yr old boys are known to become the escorts for prostitutes in the area, who disguise a woman on her way to a "job".  The young boys can also serve as drug traffickers between sellers and buyers, reaping zero benefits for themselves or their families.  Think of any 12-yr old you know in Canada.  Maybe it was a student, maybe it's your child or sibling, maybe you think of yourself at that age.  What do you feel?

And not 20 minutes away is Camps Bay, with the most stunning view of the Atlantic Ocean and Table Mountain.  Multi-million dollar properties line the coast for miles, owned by rich white people, or else those token blacks/coloured who have had success with challenging the system and breaking barriers to achieve a good life.  Camps Bay is alive with tourism, bars and restaurants with delicious meals and lively entertainment.  The bigger city of Cape Town booms with youthful energy, with travelers from around the world and locals alike, all appreciating the beauty of the landscape and a young spirit.  Here, there is no evidence of the poverty and desperation that exists just a short car ride away.  Instead, wine is shared around a happy and laughing table, as an abundance of food is eaten and remains wasted.  This paradox defines the country of South Africa.  You are either very rich or very poor.  It makes no sense to me.

It's weird to be home.  My first day back, I went to the grocery store and the mall.  So many things.  A pyramid of oranges.  18 of the same shirt on one rack. No mountains.  No oceans.  But still my family.  My friends.  My own bed.  My running shoes.  Seems to be a paradox of my own.

So many more thoughts are swirling in my head about my month in South Africa, but I am struggling to organize them into a comprehensible fashion for you.  So many more things happened and were seen during my time across the world and as I find a way to logically present them to you, I promise to document my thoughts here to fill (bore?) your time.

Yes dad.... it was absolutely, no questions asked, worth it.