This happens to me on a regular basis.... I get so attached to things and when I have to leave them, or transition to something new, I feel almost abandoned in a way. I don't like it. I hate it, actually. It's like someone you love has died, or a break up (I've said that analogy in a previous post, and Bart reminded me of it a couple days ago). No matter what, I feel uncomfortable in it.
When I ended school after the EA program, it was the conclusion of 7 years of post-secondary education. In that time I was exposed to so many amazing, wonderful, brilliant, mind-opening things, and I basked in every new piece of information or learning to come my way. But at the end of the EA program, that was going to be it. I panicked that THIS was the end of my learning. I couldn't fathom life without formal learning in a university/college, and I actually grew sick over it.
There's just something about it, to sit in a class and be exposed to SO MUCH opportunity to learn something new, about the world, society, or a particular field. I absolutely LOVE it!!! I love the atmosphere, I love the uncomfortable chairs, I love the work (just not as much as I had this year.... I like my head above water, thank you), I love researching, I love the library, and I love the people I make friends with and can have really deep, meaningful talks with. When I left McMaster, that was the worst..... the school gave me so much, and I wasn't done. I've always said that if I could just be a university student forever, I would be a very happy girl.... I used to joke that one day my children were bound to be born on an exam room floor, as I was obtaining some other degree or diploma. Sometimes I regret not getting my masters.
But I get so scared that when formal education comes to an end that it's the end of learning new things. Which of course is absolutely ridiculous to think, because it's not. There is a WHOLE WORLD to still learn about, and it's all at my fingertips or a plane ride away! So why so sad?
Well let's start with the obvious... I have NO idea what to expect of my future upon my return from Africa in early May. There are certainly no jobs in this area, and anyone and everyone you talk to in the field will tell you this. Sweet. But maybe it's that I recognize how I'm changing as a person, for the better. This year has introduced me to a lot of new things and people and taught me who I am and what I want. And I don't want that to stop. But it might also be just like it's always been... that I'm attached and loving learning and I'm just not ready for it to end.
I like my new class. I LOVE my old class. I like my new associate. I LOVE my old associate. I like my new school. I LOVE my old school. But when I think about it, I've said all this before and moved on and come to love all the new things too. I guess I'm lucky in a way... I come to love so many wonderful people and things and in doing so experience so many awesome things in so many places.
I admit that I grumbled and complained a lot this year. It was probably annoying to a lot of people, and I apologize to anyone who felt that way. The truth is that I enjoyed these past months a lot more than I let on. Maybe I was trying to keep myself guarded from enjoying things, maybe I was trying to convince myself I didn't like things as much as I actually did. Because you know, it's so much easier to not feel anything than to feel so much and be devastated when it's over or taken away.
Ok so, the thing to do now is to get into this new groove. Keep calm & carry on. Because life isn't about looking backwards, it's a perpetual forward motion. A rolling stone indeed gathers no moss.
"For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream"- Vincent Van Gogh
found it :)
ReplyDeleteYou are inspiring.