I Was Here.

 

     I distinctly recall my first big attack of anxiety.  I was in grade  3.  It was Sunday night.  And suddenly, out of nowhere, I realized that I didn't want to die because I had no idea what it would be like.  I vividly remember sitting at my kitchen table, my mother across from me, crying uncontrollably because I had no idea what death looked like, or if heaven was real, or anything that would comfort me about any of it.  Was it just black? Then I'd try to think of what it was like BEFORE I was born... was that just black?  Would I see people people I knew when I was alive?  It was all far too deep and philosophical for a 9year old.  I remember being bothered by this for a long time.

     I actually continued to be bothered by it off and on for decades.  I guess that's why some people turn to religion.... it offers them some solitude and vague answers about what the afterlife might possibly look like, and that's comforting to those who seek answers this way.  But the problem is no one on Earth can answer the question, regardless of your degree of holiness or religiosity or lack thereof.  Throughout my late teens and early twenties, I specifically sought out books that depicted an image of the afterlife in them, but never quite concluded which one I liked the best.  Not that it matters.

     The point remains, though, that no one here can answer the question which asks what post-living looks like.  So.... why worry about it?  That conclusion is something I have only become comfortable with in the last very short while.  Why worry about something you have absolutely no control over?  Reaching this realization makes me a bit angry, to tell you the truth.  I have spent so much time thinking about it, as futile as it proved, and if I had been able to think more logically about it earlier on I could have been able to move on a long time ago.  Alas, I'm a bit slower at most things anyway.

     When it comes down to it, death is inevitable, and whatever it looks like is what it looks like.  And what becomes far more important is thinking about how you spend your life here, alive, each day you are given.  This question, to me, is far deeper to consider than thinking about what you will experience when you are no longer here, because it begs you to look into your character and determine the impression you want to leave here in the world.   It could, some may argue, come down to what you consider to be the meaning of life (something I now think is completely subjective and can coexist simultaneously with various other meanings within one person), and that is fine.  Ultimately, my thought is that each of us should consider how we want our immediate world to look and remember us when we are no longer here.

     9-year old Christine couldn't get over it because she hadn't lived yet.  My 29-year old self has much more experience to draw on and greater ideas for  how she wants to be remembered and the footprint she wants to leave behind her.

I want to say:
-I was a loving and compassionate human being
-I cared
-I was a good teacher
-I helped people who asked me for it
-I tried everything I wanted to try in life
-I didn't give up on things that mattered to me. 
-I influenced people (family, friends, students, my children) in a positive and meaningful way
-I loved

-I have no regrets
-I tried


-I did the best I could do in everything I did

-I challenged my fears
-I made people happy/smile/laugh
-I made life easier for at least a couple people
-I was a person with passions (mainly teaching, special ed., and running)
-I used my talents to help people

     My list doesn't include things about reputation.  Reputation is just what people think about you and it could be true or false but ultimately irrelevant.  My list speaks to my character.  Character is who you really are, when no one is looking.  I'll take character over reputation 11 out of 10 times.

     I don't really need to be famous (though, hey... added fun if it miraculously happens.  No exceptional talent to get 15 minutes here though).  But, if in my last days I can lay in my bed and run down this list and say I accomplished each item.... I will have made the difference I wanted to make and lived the life I had in mind for myself.  And if that's the case, what more could I want? 

     I wonder if people take the time to think about the life they want to live?  Or the mark they want to leave in the world?  Sometimes it seems as though what people want to be remembered for is getting the most wasted, or having the latest technology, or being the smartest, or just about anything that one-up's the person next to them. Being the best doesn't matter.  I don't want to be the smartest or prettiest or richest person if it means I don't care about other people or the world. My cynical side is scared that our society has become one of people just trying to be the winner in everything, rather than putting that energy to better use, to help make the world better.  But I could be wrong.  I want to be wrong.  Am I wrong?
     
     Ultimately, while conceptualizing the afterlife is not within our grasp, the mark you leave here on Earth when you do go is something you have complete control over.  What would your list look like?

     

     "The hearts that I touch will be the proof that I leave.... I was here"